(WONDERFUL WORLD PLAYING)
Albert! Albert!
Don't let him get away, Albert.
(WHINING)
Hey, boy, hey.
Go away. Why don't you go play in the water?
Go chase the wind. Come on. Go away. There's not room for both of us.
(GROWLING)
Okay, you just stay right where you are.
Come on. Get off the blanket, will you? I want to lie down.
Hey, lady, is this your horse?
He's a dog, and his name is Albert.
He's interested in new things.
- Well, I'm not a new thing. - But to Albert you are.
Do you mind if I sit here a moment on the sand?
It's not my sand. Sit anywhere you like.
Thank you.
The sand is grainy.
It usually is.
Do you mind if I sit on your blanket?
Help yourself.
Today, I feel like Alice.
That's nice.
- Yours? - What?
- Your name. - Greg Nolan.
- Married? - Nope.
- Want to be? - Not if I can help it.
I'll bet you're a marvelous lover.
I'm representing the United States in the Olympics,
but I don't think I'll do too well.
Oh? Why not?
Mexico City. Too much altitude.
Would you like to train?
- For the Olympics? - What else?
You come on pretty strong, don't you?
No. Not really. It's just a theoretical question.
- But answer me. - Restate the question.
Would you like to make love to me?
- In front of Albert? - Don't you think I'm attractive?
- You're too much. - How do you mean that?
You know, it's very difficult being a beautiful woman.
Men just never leave you alone.
You won't believe this, baby, but I'm leaving you alone.
- Do me a favor. - What?
Come close to me.
Closer.
(WHINING)
- Well? - Well, what?
Well, did you hear a nightingale?
Did the blood dash against the distant shores of your heart?
Nope.
- What did you feel? - Nothing.
Nothing?
- N-O-T-H... - Sic him, Albert.
Hold it. Watch it, Albert.
- Down, boy. Call him off! - Sic him, Albert!
Hey, maybe we should practice some more.
- I'm sure we could work this out. - Get him, Albert!
Hey, get away. Hey, lady. Hold it, Albert, don't bite.
GREG: Down, boy.
Call him off.
(ALBERT BARKING)
Get him out of here. Hey, wait a minute.
Move over this way a little bit, Albert. I can't see your face.
Smile, Greg, darling.
I'll make you smile if I ever get my hands on you.
Come on, dog. Get back. Hold it, Albert.
Come on, let's go home.
Hurry now, or we'll go without you.
(SHIVERING)
A person who does not know when to come out of the water
should never be allowed in.
Come on. Let's go, Albert.
Come on in the john, and we'll get those wet clothes off of you.
Oh, no, we won't. I can take my own clothes off.
Bring him in here, Albert.
Watch it. Albert.
Thank you, Albert.
That's better.
Greg, you're burning up.
You've got to learn to take care of yourself.
Look, if you really want to help, go make me a hot buttered rum.
You've got to get out of these wet clothes, so you won't freeze to death.
If you'll get out of here, I will.
Suit yourself.
Bring me your wet clothes, and I'll put them in the dryer.
Hurry up. You're dripping on my floor.
GREG: Okay. Okay.
Here they are.
Here. Put these on.
- Where're you going? - I'll be back in a minute.
Hey.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hi, there. Here's your groceries.
- Thanks. - Where's Suzie?
- Who? - Suzie.
Who's Suzie? Are you sure you got the right house?
Yeah, are you?
- Say hello to Suzie for me. - Suzie?
Listen, tell her I'll try to get here just a little earlier next time.
(BOTH CLICKING TONGUES)
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
Smart aleck kid.
Come on.
Albert? Want a roommate?
Albert says it's all right if you sleep on his sofa.
Well, that's very nice of him.
Hey, look, there was some guy that walked in here just now.
Greg, you're burning up. Did you know that?
Yeah, and I think I'm seeing things, too.
- Is this yours? - No.
- Albert's? - Don't be silly.
- Open up. - What's that?
Fast, fast, incredibly fast relief. Open wide.
(CHOKING)
That's much better. Now, sit down.
Lie down and try to get some sleep.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Don't forget to put the groceries away.
What groceries?
Forget it.
Good night.
Night, Albert.
(ALBERT SNORING)
Well, and how are we today?
Oh, great. Just great.
What are you doing down there?
You'd be much more comfortable on the sofa.
I was just thinking the same thing.
Come on.
What day is it?
- Oh, it's only Thursday. - Thursday?
What happened to Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday?
I got to get back to my job.
You're not going anywhere until you've fully recovered.
Hi, Betty. Hi. Need any eggs today?
Oh, no, thank you. Just some margarine.
Oh, and I left some French toast for you in on the sink.
Oh, thank you, Betty. Well, I'll see you Saturday.
BERNICE: Bye.
- His? - Don't be ridiculous.
I think you still have a bit of a fever.
(MUMBLING)
What'd you say?
I said, I thought you told me your name was Alice.
Oh, yes. Well, you can call me Mrs. Baby.
Mrs. Baby?
Now, put that there and don't talk,
and I shall tell you how I met my husband, Harry Baby,
who is unfortunately dead of an affliction of the liver.
I was driving down Wilshire Boulevard and Harry was in the left lane.
- There he was with his left thing blinking. - Hmm?
His turning dealie, you know.
Here I had just met the only man I'd ever love,
and he was about to make a left turn right out of my life.
- So what did I do? What could I do? - I don't know.
I cut my wheels hard to the left
and stepped on the... What do you call it? You know, the gas dealie,
and smashed in his right door. Quick thinking.
And then he fell in love with me, and we got married,
and he developed whooping cough and died.
Whooping cough? I thought you said he died of an affliction of the liver.
Well, what's the difference?
- Just as I thought. - What, what, what?
98.6! You better take some more medicine.
- But that's normal. - You wanna die like Harry?
- You don't even know what he died of. - Well, neither did he.
Give me your hand. Now swallow.
Nope. Not until you get me some water.
Okay.
Come on, Albert, don't be a fink.
(GROWLING)
(HUMMING)
I just love watching men in the morning.
Do you generally use a straight razor, or is this how Harry died?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Well, that figures.
Betty, Suzie, Alice, whatever the hell your name is.
I have different names for different moods.
What mood are you in today?
I haven't decided yet.
Is it all right if I sit down?
- Ask Albert. - Is it okay, Albert?
(WHINING)
He says it's all right.
Do you mind if I give you a little kiss?
Well, what if one of your little friends came in here and saw us?
I locked the front door.
All I want is a little huggybear.
- Huggybear? - Yeah, you relax and I'll hug.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- I think I hear bells. - Groovy. That's a good sign.
- Good morning, Bernice. - Good morning.
Bernice? What the hell is your name?
My name is Bernice. Harry, this is Greg.
- Hi, Greg. - Harry Baby?
- That's me. - I thought you told me he was dead?
Did she also tell you that I was her husband?
Yeah.
- I'm not really. - Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Well, I guess I'm disturbing you.
- Oh, Harry, please don't feel that way. - Why not?
Oh, I just came back to get my shoe trees.
This must be your pipe.
Hey, I was wondering what happened to that.
That's my robe, too. Thanks a million.
Well, I guess I'll be cutting out.
- I'll see you to the door... - What about your shoe trees?
What about my shoe trees?
- Bye-bye, Greg. - Bye-bye, Harry.
Well, thank you, Bernice, for letting me come back and get my things.
Oh, that's perfectly all right, Harry.
- I'll try not to bother you again. - It's always a pleasure to see you.
- Later. - Bye.
Greg, what are you doing?
- 10:00 a.m. Checking out time. - Don't be ridiculous.
- How did Harry get in here? - With his key, of course.
Oh, how else.
Greg, you really ought to lie down. You're a very sick person.
I'm a very sick person?
Look, maybe we'll see each other again sometime, huh?
Maybe.
Albert, did anybody ever tell you, you snored?
Don't let him get away.
Oh, no, you don't.
(ALBERT WHINING)
- Hi, Greg. - Hi.
- Where've you been? - Oh, you wouldn't believe it.
Mr. Hamilton left word he wanted to see you the minute you came in.
- Well, where is the old son of a... - City editor.
Down checking on something with the presses.
- Okay, thanks, honey. See you later. - BOTH: Good luck.
You're fired.
(INAUDIBLE)
Throw him out of here.
(TOY GUN FIRING)
Wait a minute, who are you, kid?
You don't mind if I come in, do you? I live here.
- Ma! Ma! - Oh, knock it off.
Knock it off.
WOMAN: Robbie, who are you shooting at, pussycat? What's the matter?
- Excuse me, madam. I just happen to... - Oh, I... It's perfectly all right.
If you'll just follow me and keep your eyes where they belong.
Come here, sweetheart.
Well, this is it.
It keeps jumping back into the wall when you're ironing on it.
And it flops back down when you want to put it away.
I know, I know. I have that trouble with it.
Don't be a funny man, fix it.
Look, lady, I didn't come here to fix an ironing board.
So you came here for some other purpose?
One of us isn't communicating.
Saw me through the window, is that it?
One look at a bare shoulder, I know your type.
This just isn't my day.
You take one step closer and I'll squish your skull like a grape.
Robbie, pussycat, run next door and tell the landlady to call the police.
Now, wait a minute. Hold the phone. This is my house, I live here.
Save your breath, Bluebeard.
We know how to take care of sex maniacs like you in this town.
- Look, lady. - What, "Look, lady"?
Don't you run out on me.
- Oh, Mr. Nolan. What are you doing here? - Do you know this vile person?
Well, of course, it's Mr. Nolan. The former tenant.
The present tenant.
The former. Oh, don't worry about it, Mr. Nolan.
Your sister took care of everything. The moving, the back rent, everything.
- My sister? - Mrs. Baby.
Oh, my sister, Mrs. Baby.
- You, out. - But I haven't finished my French toast.
Get a doggy bag from Albert.
- Did you want me to go, Betty? - Her name is Bernice.
It's all right, Truman. Mr. Nolan has something he wants to tell me.
- Very well. If you say so. - Out, out.
- See you in a couple of days, Betty. - Her name is Bernice.
If you'd listen to somebody when they tell you something,
you would know what her name is.
I've told you four times.
Why don't you tell him your name is Bernice?
Oh, Greg, your poor face. What happened?
I got fired from my job, I got into a fight,
and now I find out I don't live in my own home anymore.
Oh, let me...
Damn it, Bernice, what do you want from me?
- Now, where are my things? - They're in Albert's room.
Except some of your shirts. I sent them to the laundry.
You sent them to the laundry?
Who gave you the right to move me out and pay my back rent?
Look, I don't know what sort of a kick you're getting out of this,
but you're not gonna run my life.
Don't walk away from me!
I hate women who walk away from an argument.
(DOOR LOCKING)
That's not gonna do you any good.
I'll just wait right here until you come out and give me an answer.
You might as well come out.
- What are you doing? - I'm leaving.
I don't want to inflict myself upon you.
You may have the house for tonight,
but please don't forget to give Albert his dinner.
Well, where are you gonna go?
I don't know. Where were you gonna go?
I hadn't really thought about it.
Look. You don't have to leave. I can spend the night in Albert's room,
and tomorrow I'll go look for a job and a place to stay.
You can stay as long as you want to, Greg.
Just for tonight.
Now, why don't you take off this coat and relax?
That's a dirty trick.
I'm still leaving in the morning.
Clean sheets, another blanket,
soap, a toothbrush.
- I have a toothbrush. - I threw it out.
Toothpaste.
- I have toothpaste. - It was the wrong brand.
Wash cloth, face cloth and a bath towel.
Anything else?
Breakfast is at 9:00, lunch is at 1:00, and dinner is whenever I get around to it.
Is all this really necessary? I'm only staying one night.
Look, Greg, I'm running a household, right?
What am I supposed to do? Work my schedule around your whims?
Oh, I wouldn't want you to do that.
What do you want? Washing the dishes or drying them?
I want Albert's job.
- Oh, don't be a smart aleck. - Sorry about that.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Would you get the door, please? - Yeah, sure, yeah.
Hey, my arms are full. I think you'll have to open the door.
It's unlocked.
I can't make it, pal. My arms are full, too. You'll have to do it.
I said I can't. You open the door.
Coming through.
- Hi, there. - Hi, there.
Miserable kid.
Who was that at the door?
- Hiya, Suzie, there's your groceries. - Hi, how are your feet today?
- Oh, a little flatter, thanks. - Woodrow has fallen arches.
- Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. - Thanks.
I just can't seem to find a job in my regular line of work.
- What's that? - Sanitary engineering.
- See you later, Suzie. - Bye, Woodrow.
If you ever happen to run across a job in my line...
Out, out. Just out.
Do you think this has too much garlic in it?
It's terrific.
Good. Albert, your lunch is ready.
(GAGGING)
Hey, that smells great. What is it?
The handle of the coffee pot. I just burned it.
Well, that's marvelous.
Oh, hi. I guess when I moved out, I forgot my pants-stretchers.
Guess what? It's Harry again.
He forgot his pant-stretcher this time.
- Hi, Harry. - Hi. Hello, Bernice.
We were just sitting down to dinner. Would you like to join us?
Oh, well, I don't know. Is it okay with you, Greg?
Oh, any friend of Bernice's is a friend of mine.
That looks great. What is it?
- Your favorite. - Egg rolls and hot dog?
- No. Beef and beer stew. - That's good, too.
Hey, look at his face. You get caught in a revolving door, Greg?
- No. It's a gift from my boss. - Hey, man.
- What kind of work do you do? - I was a news photographer.
- What do you mean "was"? - I got fired today.
Yeah, but he's getting another job tomorrow. Isn't that right?
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Get a job with one of those advertising agencies.
Now, that's the life.
- What makes them so special? - Are you kidding me?
Why, it's out of sight. Well, easy work, fantastic pay,
and an office full of the most stupendous chicks you have ever seen.
- I mean, really stacked. - What would everyone like to drink, Harry?
- Milk. - Milk coming up.
Albert? Woof it shall be.
- Greg? - What do you have?
Coffee, tea, milk and woof.
- Coffee with. - With what?
With a side order of woof.
Oh, you're so clever. Isn't he clever, Harry?
- Yeah, you know, you're a very... - Don't say it. Don't say it.
Albert, have you got anything to say? She's getting it.
I think we can call this one a reject.
You've got quite a handy little deal going here, haven't you, Harry?
You mean Bernice?
Look, I'm trying my best to stay away. It's just not that easy.
Yeah, I noticed.
She doesn't love me. She's just being kind to me.
- Oh, that's big of her. - You don't know her, Greg. She's scared.
- Scared to death. - Scared of what?
Of life, being alone, love...
You've got to be kidding, man.
No, it's true.
Making love never quite works for her.
She always stops short.
I think she's hoping to find the man who can
bring her the right kind of love.
But, in the meantime, she's going to destroy every guy she meets.
I'll tell you one thing.
I'm going to stay away, for my own sake.
And I don't suppose you'd take any advice in a case like this.
- Probably not. What is it? - Run for the hills.
First thing in the morning, pal.
(SNORING)
BERNICE: Time to go home, Greg:
Hurry: Hurry: Hurry: Hurry:
GREG: I'm leaving in the morning:
BERNICE: Stay as long as you want: Hurry: Hurry: Hurry: Hurry:
Wake up, Greg. It's time to head for the hills.
You can't talk. You're a dog.
Now, don't be difficult, Greg. I'm just trying to help.
Here, take my paw.
I don't see...
BERNICE: Come back, Greg: Come back:
GREG: I'm leaving: I'm leaving:
BERNICE: Would you like to make love to me?
HARRY: Run for the hills:
Run for the hills:
Bernice!
- My name's Alice. - Alice?
- Her name's Suzie. - Suzie?
- This is Betty. - Betty?
What is your name?
Her name's Bernice.
I'd get out of here if I was you.
(ALL CHATTERING)
(SINGING EDGE OF REALITY)
(SNORING)
"Art gallery. Beauty salon. Chemical research.
"Creative Advertising, Radlin, Kernig, Canford and Penlow.
"Twenty-first floor."
- May I help you? - Aren't you cold?
Only from 9:00 to 5:00. Whom did you wish to see?
The editor. Is he in?
Do you have an appointment?
Appointment? Why, no, but I believe I'm expected.
- What is the name, please? - Just say Nolan is here with the truth.
"Nolan is here with the truth"?
That's right. Just tell him that. He'll know.
Mr. Landsdown,
Nolan is here with the truth.
- Speak up, baby. - I said, Nolan is here with the truth.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Landsdown will see you.
Running a magazine of this magnitude
requires me to be mentally alert at all times.
Massage keeps the blood circulating, blood goes to the brain.
Alert.
I also find I have very little time to waste, Nolan.
So, what is the truth?
- Mr. Landsdown. - Call me Mike, hate formalities.
Mike, the truth is I need a job.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What makes you think there's a job here?
I don't know. Is there?
- No. - Well, goodbye.
Where are you going? Come in here!
Shut the door.
Over here, over here.
Sit down.
- Do you like girls? - Love 'em. Do you?
I asked that for a very good reason.
- What do you do? - What do you need?
- Don't be rude. - I'm a photographer.
Well. Truth is beauty.
And the highest expression of beauty
is the relationship between a man and a woman.
It is to the glorification of this relationship
that Landsdown Enterprises is dedicated.
I'm with you.
You any good?
- As a lover? - As a photographer!
- That I am. - Let me see.
Fuzzy.
Soft focus.
I think it's the steam. The pictures are melting.
Yeah, but they're all dressed.
People don't wanna see women with clothes on.
I wish I moved in your circles.
I don't think we see eye to eye, Nolan.
No, I don't think so, either.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where are you going?
We haven't finished yet. Come on over here.
Here, try a wheat germ and clam juice cocktail. It's good for the liver.
I think I know what you're looking for.
How about these shots?
Yeah. That's better.
Much better.
Yeah, that's much, much better.
- Still want to work here? - I thought you said there was no job.
Changed my mind. How much are you asking?
- A thousand a month. - All right, we'll try it for a couple of weeks,
and see what we'll see.
You start tomorrow. 9:00 sharp. If you're late, you're fired.
And get rid of that suit.
I can't stand to see men wearing ties. It's bad for the circulation.
And always remember, bottoms up.
Sorry I'm late. I got off on the wrong floor.
Welcome to Radlin, Kernig, Canford and Penlow.
Whom do you wish to see?
- Radlin. - I'm sorry, Mr. Radlin is not in at present.
Is there someone else who can help you?
- Kernig. - I'm sorry, Mr. Kernig is not in at present.
Is there someone else who can help you?
Canford.
I'm sorry, Mr. Canford died two years ago. Is there someone else who can help you?
Who else is there?
- Would you like to speak with Mr. Penlow? - Is he in?
- Yes. - Good, I'll speak with Mr. Penlow.
I'm sorry, Mr. Penlow is in conference.
- Tell Penlow I wish to speak to him. - I'm sorry, Mr. Penlow is in conference.
Tell him!
- Very well, do you have an appointment? - Tell him!
- Whom shall I say is calling? - Tell him Nolan is here with the truth.
Very well.
Mr. Penlow, a Mr. Nolan says he is here with the truth.
Nolan. Truth.
Yes, Mr. Penlow.
It's the second door on the right.
Personal appearance is a virtue not to be treated lightly.
I take great stock in the cut of a man's clothes.
As Benjamin Franklin so aptly put it, "Eat to please thyself, but dress
"to please others."
Oh, I'm sure if your secretary came in right now,
my appearance wouldn't exactly please her.
Hey, I wonder if I could have my trousers, please?
When they are ready.
"Constant complaint is the poorest sort of pay for all the comforts we enjoy."
- Also Benjamin Franklin. - Oh, good old Ben.
Receptionist said that you're here with the truth.
That's right.
Good, good. There's precious little left of it in this business. God knows.
How right you are.
The truth is, I need a job.
Thank you. I said, the truth is, I need a job.
I heard you, I heard you. I'm not deaf, you know.
I'm sorry.
The truth is, he needs a job.
My boy, you're a natural-born attention-getter.
And what is advertising? The art of attracting attention.
Exactly my feelings.
- What are you, a copywriter? - No, I'm a photographer.
A photographer. Well, well.
- It's an honest profession. - Lf you're good.
Let's see if you're good.
The secret of good photography is not to be fooled by what you see.
And get to know your subjects, find the truth in them and photograph that.
Very impressive. I like your style.
- How much money do you need? - A thousand a month to start.
- With a substantial raise in six months. - Fair enough, fair enough.
Also all fringe benefits, including use of the company parking lot.
Assuming you're still here in six months.
You can start tomorrow at 9:00 or 9:30.
I expect my people to be impeccably dressed at all times.
Keep that in mind.
While you're here, take a look at the darkroom.
See if there's anything you need. My receptionist will show you where it is.
The door to the service stairway is over there.
- What door? - Behind the boxes.
I'll have this darkroom cleared out for you.
- Thank you. - Excuse me.
Yeah.
(PHONE RINGING)
You have reached a disconnected number.
Please hang up and dial again. This is a recording.
This is a recording, too.
I was calling to invite you out to dinner, but never mind.
Greg, wait a minute. Is that you?
Yes. I got a job. As a matter of fact, I got two.
One for you and one for me.
- I don't understand. - It's simple.
The second job is to pay you back the money you put up for my back rent.
Oh, you're too much.
Look, I'll be over about 5:00, pick up my things, and we'll go out and celebrate.
Okay, I'll be ready.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I wish she'd stop putting garlic in your food.
"Dear Greg. Had to run an errand.
"Meet me at 211 Lookout Mountain Drive."
Okay, Albert, get out. I didn't invite you to dinner.
(GROWLING)
What are you doing for dinner, Albert?
Hi, Albert. Hello, darling. Welcome home.
What have you got going, now?
Why, nothing. I merely found you a place to stay. You said you wanted one.
And it's a lovely one-bedroom house.
You're kidding.
How did you find it?
The landlady is a friend of Harry's. She lives down the street.
She conducts s�ances or something.
I suppose she sends one of her ghosts around to collect the rent.
I told her you'd pay the first and last month, next week.
- Oh, gee, thanks, kid. - Happy housewarming, Greg.
(EX CLAIMS)
- I should have known you'd be here. - Oh, now, don't be nasty.
Harry brought the champagne and the dinner.
Yeah, egg rolls and hot dogs. You'll love 'em.
Here it goes. Stand back.
They told me it was a good year.
I thought I was taking you to dinner tonight.
Oh, but isn't this nicer?
Your first night in your new home with good company and good food.
Yeah, sit down, Greg. Champagne?
I'm not thirsty.
More for us, huh, Bernice?
Not bad. To us. A long and lasting friendship.
Well, I guess I'll be going.
- Are you sure you won't stay? - He's sure.
Thank Harry for the champagne and the dinner.
May I say, I never liked egg rolls and hot dogs before,
but now I hate them.
I'm glad, Greg.
- Good night, Bernice. - Good night.
Rots of ruck in your new pad, Greg.
- I'd like to rots of ruck you... - Good night, Harry. Good night, Harry.
I don't believe it. We're finally alone.
I guess I should thank you for finding this place for me.
I was afraid you didn't like it.
Oh, I like it. I'm just not used to having a house picked out for me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was only trying to help, but I guess I did something wrong again.
- I forgot Bernice. - That's all right. I'll drive her home.
Oh, no, no. Always leave the party with the girl I brung.
- Old rule of mine. - I said I'd take her home.
It's all right, darling. I'd hate to have you drive clear to the beach and back.
Nighty-night.
Come on, Albert. Come on.
Bernice!
How long do you think this ridiculous situation can continue?
Well, I don't think it's ridiculous. I think it's civilized.
Civilized? It'd be civilized if we called the whole thing off.
You so much as try and call the whole thing off,
and I shall feed you, personally, to my large dog for breakfast.
And that's a solemn promise.
Bernice, it's late.
Good night. Sleep tight.
(HONKING)
Okay, turn the fans on. This one, too.
That's it. Not too much.
Okay, start the snow.
That's it. No more than that. Let's go to work, honey.
Okay.
All right. Right here. There you go.
There you go, come on back over here.
Don't be so serious. Good.
Okay, raise the skirt.
Little more.
Hey, wait a minute! Somebody help Heidi!
You're ruining the set! Turn that fan off! Help her out!
Let's get this place cleaned up. Take 10.
What's the matter? You got a thing about elevators?
Yeah, they're too slow. Too slow.
- Sorry I'm late. - Oh, good morning, Greg. Good morning.
- Good morning, Greg. - It looks good. Looks good.
It represents a subjective concept dealing with the metaphysical approach...
Right. Right. Work it through for me, baby, will you?
Just relax about 10 minutes.
The artwork is on that Samoan story.
Oh, and get a hold of Mary, in legal, and see if they've received the...
Follow the eye.
Okay. Let's try the skirt again. Around this way.
That's good. Over here.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Just a minute.
Come on in.
You're really a dynamo, aren't you?
Oh, I just wanted to get these shots developed and run some tests.
It's 6:00. I wouldn't work past 8:00, if I were you.
A man needs his rest, you know.
You got a point there.
When you finish those contracts, you may leave.
I admire incentive in a man,
but I don't require my people to stay till all hours of the night.
I was hoping to finish that perfume layout for you.
Plenty of time tomorrow.
- You look tired, my boy. - You don't know the half of it.
Just a moment.
Oh, hiya, Greg. Bernice and I were just talking about you.
I thought we had a date tonight.
Well, that's what we were just talking about.
Hey, listen, I'll put these flowers in some water and fix you a drink.
- What do you say? - I'll tell you what I say.
Greg, please don't go. I can explain.
Excellent. Just excellent.
There's a couple of pretty good shots there.
"Pretty good"?
You're out of your cotton-pickin' mind. They're excellent. Just what we needed.
- Something bothering you? - No, just a little personal problem.
Well, let's have none of that. You want to make it in advertising, right?
Right.
Then you have to rise above personal problems.
Personal appearance, that's the secret.
Where you live, what you drive, where you drink, what you drink.
Who makes your clothes, who styles your hair, who shrinks your head.
Who shrinks my head? Nobody.
You mean you're not in analysis?
No, but I'm beginning to get your message.
Good.
How about giving me a six months' advance on my salary?
A six months' advance on your salary?
This turnip and tiger's milk cocktail is delicious.
Now, Greg, I am not an unreasonable man. Do you think I'm an unreasonable man?
No, Mike, you're not unreasonable.
Well, as a matter of fact, I'm quite a reasonable man.
But when a man comes to me and tells me he needs six months' salary
in advance, I say, "All right."
I say, "Give that man his six months' salary in advance."
There's no question about it, Mike. You are a reasonable man.
(BERNICE CRYING)
Give me the key, Bernice.
Mention Albert too, or he gets Ionely.
I know you had a key made. Now give it to me.
Mention him, too.
Oh, for Pete's sakes. Hello, Albert. Gimme the key.
I'm sure you have a dandy reason for being here.
Harry put his house up for sale.
"His house"?
He said if he sold it, he wouldn't have an excuse to see me anymore.
Maybe I knocked some sense into his head.
No, but you knocked the cap off his front tooth.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
But you can't stay here. I'm not getting involved with you again.
Oh, we have no one else to turn to.
We're alone, abandoned in an unfriendly city.
Albert and I have come to you for protection, nothing more.
Don't you believe that?
No, I don't. You're not gonna trick me again.
Get yourself an apartment. Put Albert in a kennel.
(WHIMPERING)
Oh, shut up, Albert.
Volunteer to be the first woman on the moon, I don't care.
But you're not gonna mess up my life.
How can you throw us out like this?
It's easy, I'll show you. Just give you your bags. Albert, out.
How'd you get here?
I borrowed Harry's car. It's down around the corner.
Well, what was he gonna do? Come pick it up
so we could all have a nice reunion?
Ladies first, Albert, you should know that.
Here's the money for the back rent. Drive carefully.
It's been a gas, kid.
- Say goodbye to Albert. - So long, Al babe.
(ALBERT WHINING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Are you ready for that? - Are you kidding me?
- Hey, Greg, glad you could make it. - Thanks for inviting me.
Find yourself a girl. Find two or three. Find five.
Well, there sure are a lot of 'em around.
I always invite five girls to one man. Matter of principle.
Kind of hard on the girls, isn't it?
Listen, Greg, this is a man's world, and I'm gonna keep it that way,
because that's the way the birds like to nest.
What's the gadget, Mike?
Looks impressive, doesn't it? That's my Nothing Box.
"Nothing Box"?
Yeah, does absolutely nothing, but it's a great conversation piece.
(BEEPING)
- I'm gonna look around. - Have fun.
Albert said to say, "Hi."
Who invited you here?
Well, a good-Iooking girl is always welcome at one of these midnight brawls.
How did you know about the party?
Being a good-Iooking girl, I followed you.
Look, what does it take to get through to you?
We have nothing in common. We never did, we never will.
Greg, how can you be so controvertible?
Controvertible?
That wouldn't be a screwdriver you have there, would it?
Why, yes. It is.
I've heard so much about 'em, but I've never tasted one. May I?
Be my guest.
- They put too much vodka in for my taste. - They did?
Oh, I mean, yes. They did.
We have a lot in common.
Yes.
What month were you born?
- December. - Sagittarius.
We're not suited. It would never work out.
Let's see if we can't double-cross the stars.
What's your name?
Ellen.
- What was that for? - Oh, just testing.
One test doesn't prove anything.
You don't taste bad for a Sagittarius.
Let's cut out of here, Ellen.
You can't fool around with the planets.
I know something much more reliable than the planets.
There just isn't anything.
You wait right here, I'll be back.
- Can I get a picture? Just one. - Not right now, thank you.
Great shot with that thing, hold it!
- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.
This computer will prove to you that the planets are wrong.
Well, it's just making a lot of sound.
Yeah, but you have to understand what it's saying.
- Do you know what it's saying? - Of course I know what it's saying.
(SINGING A LITTLE LESS CONVERSA TION)
- Is this where you live? - Yep.
It's lovely.
Such a romantic view.
You don't waste much time, do you?
- Good evening, Mr. Nolan. - Good evening.
My goodness, you're home late tonight.
- Who is that woman? - That woman? She's my...
- Housekeeper. - Housekeeper.
She vacuums at this time of the morning?
Oh, it's the only free time I have.
- How many keys did you have made? - Enough.
Mr. Nolan, I must remind you, I only work in respectable houses,
and it looks to me like there's a little hanky-panky going on here.
Well, if you feel that way about it, why don't you leave? Now.
Oh, no, never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Right?
Excuse me.
Greg, I've gotta go home, really. It's late, and I've got to work tomorrow.
Oh, why don't we talk this over, in there?
Albert's in there.
- Who's Albert? - My dog.
(ALBERT GROWLING)
Would you drive me home?
Why not? Let's go to your place.
And you, you'd better be gone by the time I get back.
(CRASHING)
Well, you'll have to see what happened.
I got a feeling I'm going to be sorry!
Oh, my goodness!
- I'll call a doctor. - And get me a cab.
(GROANING)
Well, Doctor?
I can't find anything but the bump on her head where she hit the table.
(MUMBLING)
What'd she say?
Try to keep her quiet for a few days.
When she's able to get up, you might bring her by the office for an x-ray.
Thanks a lot, Doctor. Sorry to call you so late.
Don't you worry about it. I'll bill you for it. Good night.
Good night.
(GROANING)
(WHINING)
If you think I'm going to take you out for a walk now, you're nuts.
Okay. Let's just walk away from it.
(STUTTERING) But wait, now wait. You just don't understand.
- Now, you let me... - Don't worry about it. It looks good.
Unless the material is draped
in symmetrical harmony with the hypotenuse of the models...
GREG: Right. Right.
- Let's get this one shot and go home. - Now, now just a minute!
- You just wait just a minute, here. - Hit the lights.
- Pretty. Pretty. - But you don't understand.
I am trying to develop an intrinsic multilateral symmetry
between animate and inanimate objects.
No, no.
Think of all the time that I've spent shopping, shopping, shopping...
- Okay, girls. Here we go. ...for all the material.
- Hold still. - All those panels must fit the...
Greg, will you get some individual shots of the girls, please?
- Yes, sir. - That's a very good idea, Mr. Penlow.
Thank you.
Good night, Mr. Penlow. Have a pleasant evening.
Goodbye, baby.
Hi, there.
Glad to see you're leaving at a decent hour, my boy.
- Hi, Greg. - You know, Pat here looked great
in those outfits, Mr. Penlow.
I know. I know.
Hello, Landsdown.
Hi, Mike.
You two know each other?
As a matter of fact, Lewis, we do.
Good night, Greg.
Wait a minute. What do you think you're doing?
I haven't finished reading this part, yet. Thank you.
- Don't hit me. - I'm not going to hit you.
- I had a reason to be here. - I bet it's a good one.
Well, she borrowed my car. I had to come and get it.
That's a good one. Say, Harry, I hear you're selling your house.
Well, I tried to, but I just couldn't.
That house holds a lot of memories.
After she left me, I was Ionely.
She left you?
Well, she moved out. Said she didn't want to see me again.
Stick with it, Harry. You can do it.
I know I can do it if I try.
Well, so long, Greg.
- Yeah. See you, Harry. - Probably.
Off. Off. Come on.
(GROANING)
- I brought you some chicken. - Thank you.
Thank you.
- How do you feel today? - Better.
I was able to brush my own teeth this evening.
Good for you.
- I ran into Harry outside. - He came back for his car.
That's what he told me.
I hope you realize how much I appreciate what you're doing for me.
It's perfectly all right. Perfectly all right.
I hope it's not too much of an inconvenience.
Inconvenience?
To have a full-grown horse and a half-grown woman
share my one-bedroom house?
You must be kidding.
- What're you going to do? - I'm going to take a hot shower.
My back's been killing me all day.
Did you have any dinner? Aren't you hungry?
I had something to eat on the way home. I just want to get some sleep.
Bernice, was there something you wanted in here?
- I just came in to get an aspirin. - Go ahead.
Thank you.
- Got it? - Yeah.
Good.
Is there something else you want?
Do you want me to scrub your back for you?
No, that's not necessary. Thank you.
- No, I don't mind. Really I don't. - It's not necessary.
- Look, Bernice, why don't you go... - Afraid?
- Of what? - That you might lose control.
I never lose control.
Okay. Prove that you can allow me to scrub your back without attacking me.
- You're nuts. Nuts! - Are you afraid?
- Of course not. - Fine.
(EX CLAIMS)
My back don't go that far down.
- Beginning to lose control, huh? - Hell, no.
Watch it!
- You lost control. - Out. Out. Out.
Get back in your bed.
It's a pity you have to sleep in the chair again.
I think I'll try the couch tonight.
Perhaps you could sleep in your own bed, after all. I wouldn't attack you.
I'm much too weak.
Now look, now let's get one thing straight.
You're here because I think you hurt yourself.
Oh, Greg, of course I did.
Well, I'm not going to get involved with you.
I'm not going to be just another guy that you lead around on a leash.
- It wouldn't be that way. - Oh, no?
Look, I'm a man. I like to make decisions for myself.
If you ever start thinking like a woman, you'll understand what that means.
Get some sleep.
- Good night. - Good night.
(BERNICE GIGGLING)
SALLY: Wake up, sleeping beauty. It's uncomfortable up here.
What's the matter? Your girl keep you up all night?
You've got a dirty mind, Sally.
Can I have a sweet roll and coffee, honey?
Hot damn. Hey, I gotta be at the Music Center in 20 minutes.
Get rid of that stuff and let's get some shots.
Oh, come on. I haven't had any breakfast yet.
Please? Come on. Just a little.
Hey, that's great. See you later, kid.
Wow!
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
(HONKING)
Thank you.
(CRASHING)
Sorry, folks.
You're terribly late.
I'm afraid we may not be able to capture the proper mood in this light.
- We'll get everything you need. - Well, I certainly don't see how.
The sun is completely wrong.
Mr. Penlow will be terribly unhappy.
Take this reflector and go stand behind the table. I need some fill light.
Back up, now, you're in my picture.
More. More.
That's great. Hey, folks, hold it.
Got it. Good.
I hope this is strong enough for you.
It is.
Aren't you going to an awful lot of trouble?
Well, it's the least I can do for someone as sweet, kind and generous as yourself.
Dinner'll be ready in about 15 minutes.
In the meanwhile, how about a little cocktail music?
- Where'd you get that? - It belonged to my dear mother.
(SINGING ALMOSTIN LOVE)
I have a surprise for you.
Harry's coming to dinner?
No. Come on, I'll show you.
Now you can sleep in your own bed in safety.
What did you do just then?
- Do? - Yeah, to my ear.
Oh, I just gave it a little sisterly kiss.
That was a sisterly kiss?
- I don't know. Have you ever had a sister? - No.
Well, neither have I. So how do we know? Maybe it was a sisterly kiss.
Lights out.
Yes, my lord.
BERNICE: Ouch!
- What's the matter? - I got a splinter.
That'll teach you not to climb fences.
Will you take the splinter out for me?
Sure. Where is it?
Oh, never mind.
(GREG CHUCKLING)
Good morning, Mr. Penlow. How are you, sir?
My goodness, that is a progressive costume.
Did you wish to see Mr. Landsdown?
Yes. Where is the old reprobate?
He's in the studio, watching the new
center spread being shot for the next issue.
Good. Good. I'll talk to him there.
- Through that door. - Thanks, pussycat.
Okay, baby, let's go to work.
GREG: Oops!
Hold still. Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
Good morning, Landsdown.
I see you're using Pat.
PAT: Hi, Lewis.
Lucky for me I ran into you the other evening.
Pat is just perfect for this spread we're doing.
Glad I could be of help.
What brings you to girl country, Lewis? Doing a little underhanded research?
As a matter of fact, I need your help.
We're trying a new approach in a series of bathing suit ads.
I'd like you to recommend a good pin-up photographer.
Why, that's easy. He's right here. Greg Nolan, meet Lewis Penlow.
Good morning, Mr. Penlow.
Well, if it isn't the young man with the truth.
- The truth is, you're fired. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
That goes for Landsdown Enterprises, as well.
You can't fire me. What have I done wrong?
- For one thing, you're out of uniform. - That's not a good enough reason.
It is for me.
If you'll excuse me, Nolan, I'm expected at a fund-raising luncheon within the hour.
Have you ever known me to miss a single deadline?
You said yourself my pictures were excellent.
What you've done is the lowest, crudest, most unprincipled,
filthiest, dirtiest, crudest...
- You said "crudest." ...most reprehensible thing
I've ever heard of in my entire life!
- Well, how about that. - Show me a liar, and I'll show thee a thief.
- Is that your final word on the matter? - That's my final, cotton-picking word.
Okay, then. I'll resign.
Now, wait a minute. You can't resign. I fired you.
I'm not giving you the satisfaction of kicking me out.
How the hell did you manage to hold down two jobs at once?
It wasn't easy. I just traded off between you.
A couple hours here, a couple hours there.
Different lunch hours. Different coffee breaks.
I'll be damned. Two full-time jobs.
That's the sneakiest thing I ever heard of.
Penlow had a few other names for it.
Forget Penlow. He's a stuffed shirt. I like your style, Greg.
You're full of the old larceny.
- Thanks, Mike. - Wish I had 50 more like you, by God.
You stop by the bookkeeper's desk and tell her I said to double your salary.
Tell her yourself.
By God, I like his spirit.
Give me a double clam juice.
Bernice.
Bernice. Bernice.
Hi, darling. I was just fixing dinner for you.
(BERNICE SPEAKING)
How about that? Come on in, man.
Sit down and take a load off your feet. Have you had some breakfast?
Where is she?
- Who? - Who the hell do you think I mean?
It seems to me she was staying at your place.
She disappeared. Either last night or early this morning.
What do you want her for?
How the hell do I know? Maybe I'm in love with her.
Maybe I want to marry her.
- You can't do that. - Why not?
- All right, I do know where she is. - Well, then, where is she?
What does that mean?
Well, she came here this morning and asked me to take her back.
- Said she'd learned her lesson. - And?
- And I agreed. - I don't believe you.
Jeez. Look, I'm sorry. It's just one of those things.
- The best man won. - I want to talk to her.
- She said she didn't want to see you. - You let her tell me that. Bernice!
Bernice!
Bernice.
I'm sorry, Greg. I really am.
(ALBERT WHIMPERS)
- Hi. - Hi.
Mind if I sit here?
- On the sand? - Sure. It's not my sand.
Why did you run away?
Harry said you came back to him.
Harry's full of lemon drops.
I haven't seen him since he came to pick up his car.
Well, if you didn't go back to Harry, then why did you leave?
- To think. - About what?
Love.
What did you decide?
I decided I love you.
You know something?
I love you, too.
What did you feel?
- Nothing. - Nothing?
N-O-T-H...
- Sic her, Albert! - Now, wait a minute. That's not fair.
Go get her. Go get her, Albert. Go!
Albert! You traitor!
You can't do this to me! I feed you!
Albert! Help! I can't swim!
- I'll never forgive you! - Come on in, Bernice.
- It's time to go home. - I'll meet you halfway.